My Life, in Stitches...

Wedding fun!

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 22:11:31 -0400

Wedding fun!

Airport bound! #martaissmarta #EAsDirtyThirty

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 14:17:59 -0500

Airport bound! #martaissmarta #EAsDirtyThirty

Nothing like having a dream so vivid you have to write it down!...

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 05:53:43 -0500

Nothing like having a dream so vivid you have to write it down! Helllllo 5 o’clock!

Living Room Re-do

Sun, 25 Nov 2012 13:43:16 -0500

When I graduated from college and moved into my very first apartment (and I don’t think I’m atypical here), my decorating taste consisted mainly of whatever I could find or was given. Thankfully, the “donated” items came from family that had pretty great taste, but still. It was time to do some upgrading. Not to mention, my dreams of moving into a bigger something soon were quickly deminishing each time I checked trulia.com to find out that my condo had yet again decreased in value. What’s a girl to do? Apparently, redecorating was the answer!

It took a few months, and I would definitely say it’s still a work in progress, but for the time being it’s “complete.” I’m a terrible blogger because I don’t really have great before pictures..this is the only before picture I’ve got:

I didn’t really have any huge ideas of how I wanted this room to turn out, but I knew that I wanted a white couch, that I loved the painting over the current couch and wanted to brighten things up. Honestly, I never thought I’d love it as much as I do!

Without further ado:

In an attempt to share my experience thus far with a white slipcovered couch: I couldn’t love it any more, but I don’t have pets or kids…so not sure how much wear and tear that would bring. I do eat dinner on it every night, and any spots that have appeared I’ve been able to bleach out in the wash. I love how crisp and clean it is!

Also - the wicker back chairs I got at Ballard for $59.99 in one of their door buster sales…I happened to run in one day 5 minutes before closing time and found them - they honored the price a day early!

3 Generations, Part 3

Wed, 05 Sep 2012 09:52:00 -0400

{Part 1} & {Part 2}

Mom: Have they opened that new Chee - pole - te by you yet?

Me: Not yet, and it’s actually pronounced chee-POHT-leh Mom, not teh.

*Some discussion around Chipotle locations, and my hard of hearing Nanny finally asks what in the heck we’re talking about. Someone explains about Chipotle, and the following ensues*

Nanny: No, no you all are all wrong. It’s pronounced Chee - poe - tul, end of story.

Me: … *explodes in laughter*

France Day 9: Paris & Versailles

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 17:08:02 -0400

On Sunday, we woke up mostly rested and ready for a day in Versailles. We bought our tickets in advance, but still had to sit in a ridiculously long line. Crowds abound! We toured the house and then spent the rest of the afternoon in the Gardens…well worth the 2nd ticket! For a bit we laid in the grass and watched the clouds…so relaxing!

Presented without comment:

After touring Versailles, we headed back into Paris and hit up the Arc Di Triomphe before having dinner on Champs Elysees. Arc Di Triomphe definitely provided some of the best views in the city - plus we went at sunset which came recommended to us and I definitely recommend doing!

For dinner, we picked Chez Clement, mostly because it was close to the hotel. I had an artichoke au gratin as an app that was delicious, but the rest of the meal really left something to be desired. Can’t beat the view though:

As we were finishing up dinner, we started seeing all of these riot cops start heading out into the streets…me having the paranoid curiosity that I do, immediately freaked out that there was some sort of attack. Turns out, the Spain vs. Italy game was about to end and so they were preparing for the worst. Turns out futbol is a big deal over there…sure enough, not long after the cops were spotted, people started driving down Champs Elysees honking horns and waving flags. Victory! It was really fun to be in the midst of all of that without even realizing it!

France Day 8: Bordeaux > Paris

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 10:59:08 -0400

After our eventful day the day before, we were pretty exhausted heading to Paris. We had already booked our train tickets, and didn’t really have anything huge planned for once we got to Paris. We took the subway to the train station and left ourselves about 30 minutes to get the train. Of course everything was in French at the station, so figuring out where to go and what to do was a complete nightmare. I had my confirmation number but Liz and Katie didn’t end up having the right paperwork. They waited in a massive line to be able to print their tickets. Since we were getting close to departure time, I went ahead and headed towards the train to board and wait. Of course I couldn’t find the right platform so I ended up running to catch the train myself. I got on board and it immediately it started to move. I just knew that Liz and Katie hadn’t made it - I found out later that they were running on the platform to try to catch it! I immediately burst into tears - I mean, I’m alone (though knew other people on the train so I knew I would be fine) in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language and had no idea how the next few hours would go. I calmed down and finally found my seat…though was paranoid that people would steal my luggage so I had all of my bags wrapped around a limb of some sort and was afraid to fall asleep. It was definitely an experience - but all ended well and Liz and Katie caught the next train and actually beat me to Paris.

We had been planning on using the subway while in Paris, and boy was getting those tickets an experience! We finally got our tickets, and got on our train headed towards our hotel. I was exhausted at this point, so we checked into our hotel (Hotel Mogador in the Opera district, for posterity’s sake) and rested up some before heading out to take in the city.

The first night we were really pooped, so we wandered around for a while before we ended up having dinner back in our neighborhood at Tivoli…a delicious italian joint. That first night we saw the Opera house, the Louve (we totally just stumbled on this) the gardens, the Seine and the Arc Di Triomphe and Eiffel Tour from afar:

Wandering around Paris at Twilight was one of my favorite times - so very Parisian and French!

France Day 7: Bordeaux

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 20:58:55 -0400

After sleeping in some on day 7, we grabbed a quick lunch at a creperie down the street from our hotel. How I wish I could visit a creperie everyday! I’m not sure that it was the perfect hangover food, but it sufficed none the less. We headed back to the hotel to shower and get ready for a day full of wedding festivities. Here’s how the day shook out:

2:15pm Bus picks up wedding party from in front of the Grand Hotel

3:15pm We arrive at the catholic chapel and hang out for a bit until the ceremony starts. Side note, Tyler got recruited to be a program attendant, and an excellent one he was:

5:00pm Ceremony complete, wandered over to the Chateau across from the chapel for our first cocktail hour.

The two white tents in the picture above are where the wedding was held.

6:30pm Made our way down the hillside to the winery Chateau L’Emeritage to begin the real party.

7:00pm Started on our 2nd cocktail hour. I experienced the best bread and butter I have ever experienced in my life. (They also had other food like spanish ham and oysters, but I was too busy with the bread and butter!)

9:30pm We sat down for our 3 course meal. Veal wrapped eggplant…delicious!

11:45pm Dinner complete, band starts up!

1:00am First bus leaves, we obviously stay.

2:45am Band stops, DJ starts. Best night ever!

4:00am DJ stops, 2nd and last bus leaves

5:00am We arrive back at hotel, pass out immediately.

Reminders

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 13:40:29 -0400

A few months back I assisted Eloise in cleaning out her closets in the house, and we came across this plaque that used to hang in her bathroom before she remodeled it. We had this conversation about how she couldn’t bear to get rid of it because she looked at it every day for so many years and loved the reminder. I didn’t exactly know what I’d do with it, but I quickly asked her if I could have it instead. Turns out, it goes great in my bathroom instead:

A few days after that, this was August 8th daily Jesus Calling {side note, for those that I haven’t told about the wonders of this book, take heart…it’s an easy daily devotional that I look forward to reading each day}:

“Understanding will never bring you Peace. That’s why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless serious of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking me (your Master).

The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never think his way through the to Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to the will of his wives by worshiping idols. My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in my Peace, which is inherent in my Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace.”

His reminders never cease to amaze me…the particular week I read it, I was in fact struggling with understanding of why things are the way they are. The a-ha moment was real. Forget understanding. Seek peace. Simple concept. Certainly hard for me to put into practice.

I’m so thankful for this daily reminder, especially since it once served to remind Mom daily too.

France Day 6: Bordeaux & St. Emilion

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 09:49:25 -0400

We woke up bright and early on Thursday morning ready to tour some wineries and do some more celebrating! I was a bit worried that we’d have some downtime in Bordeaux and would be bored, but I couldn’t have been more wrong! We got ready and headed to meet the rest of the wedding party at the Grand Hotel and catch the bus to the wine region. First stop was a tour and tasting at Chateau St. Soutard:

We had the best tour guide at this winery - and I’ve been on some wine tours to be able to tell the difference. He was originally from Spain (though spoke fluent English) and had studied in France and was currently living in Bordeaux. By his own admission he was “hung” (apparently a hangover doesn’t translate) due to some celebrating he did the night before due to Spain defeating Portugal in the Eurocup. He was definitely a champ, and pulled through better than I would have! He told us the history of the property that the winery was on…apparently the house and property were originally owned by an old widow. When the winery had proved success, they wanted to make some renovations to the house and property. She hated this idea and decided to move out and lock up her portion of the property. She boarded up her wine cellar and moved…leaving everything locked and boarded up. Our tour guide was making it his personal mission to figure out what was in that cellar! Here’s a picture of the cellar:

After the tour and tasting we headed into the town of Saint Emilion for lunch and another tasting at a wine shop. I think I originally expected Bordeaux to be as quaint as Saint Emilion was, but it’s much more big city like. Saint Emilion had cobble stone streets and quaint restaurants and shops. Our lunch was delicious, and the views were spectacular.

We had a quick tasting at a wine shop in town - we had quite the knowledgeable expert assisting us! Always fun to learn about wines!

That night, we had the Groom’s dinner that was hosted on a barge that sailed along the Garonne River. Talk about fabulous setting! The weather was overcast and spitting rain at times, but we certainly didn’t let that stop our fun evening. The meditteranean food was delicious, and the festivites were lots of fun…a DJ, some toasts and lots of fun conversation. We ended the night enjoying the fireworks show on the barge…Granted, the fireworks were for the Wine festival that was in Bordeaux at the time, but we pretended that they were for the bride and groom anyway!

We finished the night with bottle service at Black Diamond - the club at the bottom of the Grand Hotel. A great day/night, indeed.

France Day 5: Nice > Bordeaux

Thu, 16 Aug 2012 17:08:31 -0400

Picking a 7am flight was perhaps not our best decision, but alas it was the only option. We slept an hour, got up, threw on clothes and were out the door by 5:20 in order to make our flight. Almost certainly still drunk and not quite feeling our best. We got on the crowded flight and headed for the wine country. We landed in Bordeaux, waited for what felt like an eternity for our luggage, and grabbed a cab to our hotel in downtown Bordeaux. We were at the hotel (Acanthe Hotel) by 10am, and of course our room wasn’t ready. We left our luggage and decided to get our hungover bearings and grab some breakfast. We sat down at 2 restaurants before we finally landed on McDonalds to attempt to help the hangover. Since we had some time to kill, we sat outside on the street and did some serious people watching. On initial impression, Bordeaux is way bigger than I anticipated…I think I pictured some quaint town with old buildings and instead it was a huge bustling city with a metro and the like.

After what felt like forever, we meandered back to our hotel to find out that our room was ready! We literally went to bed - for like 4 hours, until some friends came and woke us up. That nap was much needed! We were finally feeling like better versions of ourselves and got ready to head up to the rooftop of the Grand Hotel in Bordeaux for the welcome reception. What a reception it was! The views:

After the welcome reception we wandered around for a bit to find a 4th meal to satisfy what delicious foie gras couldn’t, but apparently the French don’t know the wonders of a 4th meal! We had another drink or two and then I hit the hay to rest up for St. Emilion and the rehearsal dinner!

Shocking!

Mon, 13 Aug 2012 16:15:35 -0400

Shocking!

I apparently spent July plowing through some books. Here’s...

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 11:34:00 -0400

I apparently spent July plowing through some books. Here’s what I’ve been reading:

1. On the Island by Tracey Garvis-Graves (3 out of 5 stars): I finished this book and was still slightly creeped out….but I kept turning the pages. Definitely left me wondering how I’d survive in a similar situation.

2. Columbine by Dave Cullen (4.5 out of 5 stars): I finished this book the week of the Aurora shooting, so I had a bit of soft spot in my heart for Colorado. If you like news stories, definitely read this - I’m now super skeptical of any media reports because there is just so much unknown reported. It’s a little hard to follow in the beginning with lots of jumping around, but by the end you get a clear picture of how the day went.

3. Where We Belong by Emily Giffin (4 out of 5 stars): Loved this, but a little dissatisfied with the ending…mainly because I’m left wanting more (well played, Emily…well played).

4. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (4 out of 5 stars): I thought this was a fascinating interpretation of human nature, but left me a little disturbed about getting married.

France Day 4: St-Tropez > Cannes > Nice

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 10:52:00 -0400

We took our time leaving St-Tropez, so after a semi-late start we hit the road to Cannes to look for celebs and have lunch before ending up in Nice for our last night in the Riviera.

You know, I learned a lot on this trip…but I have to say this “lesson” hit home the hardest. We had a trusty English speaking GPS while we cruised around in our Corsa, and even still we managed to miss a turn in San Raphael. It was probably my fault as the navigator, but it was totally worth it, because ended up on a more scenic route through the cliffs along the coast. Sure, the drive was a little longer, but the views were entirely worth it. Lesson learned - enjoy life’s detours because these views might be right around the corner. This right here was one of my favorite moments.

We arrived in Cannes just after lunchtime and headed to find the Rick Steves recommended lunch spot, but after some attempted navigation we couldn’t find it and I was seriously bummed. We ended up stumbling on Barocco for lunch and splitting some delicious pizzas and salads. Cannes didn’t really live up to the hype for me - the convention center where the film festival was held (picture below) was just that - a non descript convention center (holding a video gaming conference while we were there). The shopping was decent but other than that it seemed a little dated. Though I’m sure I would’ve loved it more w/ a celeb filled red carpet!

After walking around a bit we headed towards Nice to check into our hotel and gear up for a night exploring Old Nice! We had an early flight the next morning but that certainly didn’t stop us from preparing for a late night! We gassed up our car thinking that it’d save us time in the morning - good thing we did because that was about a 45 minute adventure. After circling the block a few times we ended up watching someone else do it before we could figure it out!

We checked into our hotel (Le Meurice) in Nice (pictures with view from hotel are below), and rested up for a big night out. We went to Festival de Moule in Old Nice (another Rick Steves recommendation) for dinner and it was decent, but not really noteworthy. We certainly drank their wine!

After dinner we found an Irish pub and started to meander our way through the Old Nice nightlife. After a bit we stumbled on Wayne’s bar, known for being a hot-spot among backpackers. And, backpackers we discovered! The place was packed and thus our Euro-personas were quickly formed. We quickly discovered that they played American hits and were sold. After some dancing that may or may not have included dancing on top of platforms, the bar closed down and we headed back towards the hotel. Surprisingly, French people don’t believe in 4th meal which is a sad sad thing. We did end up finding a little greek cafe and chowed down on some Baklava and a sandwich. Much needed! At this point it was close to 4am, and our 5am alarm was rapidly approaching so we thought it best (this was actually really dumb) to head to bed.

France Day 3: St-Tropez

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 10:02:15 -0400

We woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed (not quite, but close) on Monday ready for our boat cruise throughout the Mediterranean…and celebrate Liz’s birthday! We stopped on the way to the Marina at a gas station to pick up some sandwiches and some beer for the day. Picture this: 3 ladies walk up to the gas station door, and push it to open it. Nothing happens. We can’t really see inside because of the reflection but we felt sure it had to be open. We push the handicap thing, nothing happens. As we started to resign ourselves to giving up, we step to the side and someone walks right up and pushes it open. OHHHH, so that’s how it works?! I died laughing…what a humbling experience!

We then snagged a quick breakfast at a port-side joint and waited for Lester (our British boat guide for the next 4 hours) to come and get us. Lester was pretty much what you’d want in a captain - told us all about his mistresses and the riches of the people of Saint-Tropez. A fine captain he was! We cove-hopped around Saint-Tropez, Saint-Maxime, and San Raphael, enjoyed some beers, did some light snorkeling. Took some adventurous trips into the main part of the sea. You know, what one does on a Monday. Some photographic evidence:

After our snorkeling adventures, Lester took us on a short tour of Port Grimaud - such a neat little area w/ houses and restaurants and the like:

After that, we said our goodbyes to Lester, and made our game plan for the rest of the afternoon/evening. We stopped by the Casino grocery store, snagged some wine and cheese, and headed back to the hotel to hang out by the pool before dinner. The grocery stores were definitely a different experience - it was more like a walmart than a grocery store. After the pool, we washed up and headed to Place des Lices again for drinks and dinner.

We did a bit more exploring of Places des Lices that night - it has shops, restaurants, bars, and the like - and it’s also where the rich and famous like to park their yachts. It’s pretty much like nothing I’ve ever seen before:

We meandered for a while and ended up stumbling upon Restaurant L’olive for dinner - excellent meal! We read in our guidebooks that pre-fixe meals are the way to go and we pretty much had that every night…definitely the best bang for your buck, and a great way to try a variety of foods (+ dessert!). Lester also told us about Barbarac’s, which is an ice cream place in Place des Lices and it certainly did not disappoint!

France Day 2: St-Tropez

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 12:02:58 -0400

The next morning (Saturday), we woke up three deep in a king size bed in Queens. It’s no French Riviera, that’s for sure! But, everything happens for a reason, and thus, we must make the best of it. Quick plans were made for a lunch in Soho before heading to the airport for round 2 of getting to France. Not a bad way to spend an unexpected Saturday in NYC! I had the foresight to throw a change of clothes into my carry on bag so after a quick shower we were on our way! France, here we come!

As we started to board the flight, a flight attendant walks by with a short little dude and is like I’ll scan HIS ticket later… Immediately my suspicious meter went through the roof and I turned around to Ryan Seacrest, boarding our flight to Nice! Even though I wouldn’t consider myself a fan, I had a total fan girl moment. Y’all: he’s tiny. awkwardly tiny. He was traveling w/ an agent (no Julianne Hough!) and we found out later that he was in St-Tropez while we were there too! Liz also spotted Jennifer Connelly traveling w/ her British husband and children sitting in coach. Apparently celebs like to travel to Nice!

After an uneventful flight (food was decent, I slept okay), we landed in Nice (it was Sunday morning at this point)! Finally. We rented a car, meagerly attempted to use the GPS, and were on our way to St-Tropez. Our trusty driver Liz (the only one of us that knew how to drive a stick) quickly learned how to navigate those roundabouts and we only had one minor incident at a toll that involved reversing on the interstate, and moving over a few lanes. But! we made it! Phew. First destination, reached.

Our hotel in St-Tropez was off the beaten path, and was really cute and quaint (for posterity’s sake, it was Hotel La Pierrerie). After a quick change of clothes, we headed to the beach!

Unbeknownst to us, we entered onto the wildest beach - fully nude. Honestly, it was kind of gross. I expected boobs, but got full nudity. Yikes! Nudists in France apparently aren’t very attractive. We awkwardly walked down a few beaches that weren’t full nudity and rented some chairs for some sunbathing and a little snooze. After a quick drink at one of the poolside bars, we headed back to the hotel for a shower to prepare for dinner. A few clean photos:

We grabbed a late dinner at Le Bistro in Place des Lices that evening and then called it a relatively early night (midnight…French people stay up late!).

France (or what turned out to be NYC) Day 1

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 10:43:00 -0400

The trip started out a bit rocky, with a continually delayed flight out of Atlanta, bad weather, and more ups and downs than I care to recall. At one point I was pretty sure we were going to be hobos in the JFK airport instead of heading to France. The timeline went something like this:

11:00am Excitedly leave for the airport

11:30am Excitedly arrive at airport, cheese it up for the following picture:

12:00pm Get 1st email notifying of delayed flight

2:00pm Board, get on plane

2:29pm Get phone call from Mom letting me know that our flight has been further delayed (how does she know??)

2:30pm Flight Attendant gets on intercom, informs us that there has been a fire at a ATC tower and there’s a ground stop at JFK. We can’t get off the plane at this gate, we have to move to another gate to de-plane. Smarties!

3:00pm Book it to the Delta counter to try to get ahead of all the other people booking it to the counter. Encounter trainee. Leave and get back in line praying we can get someone who can type and/or be of service.

3:30pm Liz gets board and calls Katie to let her know that she got us on another flight, but we have to stop in Afghanistan. Is that okay??

4:00-7:00pm Alternate between running back and forth to the gate and Delta counter, begging for someone to help. Frustration. Run into friends leaving for Amsterdam.

7:00pm Announcement made that we are ready to leave! Board plane, say a prayer that we’ll make our connection to Nice, which is looking likely at this point! Breathe a sigh of relief.

7:30pm Pilot comes on informing us that now that we’re on board and ready to take off, he and his co pilot are actually over their 16 hour flying limit and can’t take off. Entire plane collectively rages. We realize that we are never going to get there. Disappointment abounds.

9:00pm New pilots are found, we get ready to take off, planning on sleeping like hobos in the airport.

12:30am Arrive at JFK. All the good sleeping spots are taken, more disappointment and rage. We get on standby for the flight to Nice the next night (which is apparently full). Find out we can’t get our luggage. Cry.

1:30am Still trying to get actual seats on the flight the next night. Convince Delta ticket agent to get us a room, food vouchers and taxi vouchers.

2:30am Cry. Develop a tentative plan of flying standby for the flight the next night (Saturday), if that doesn’t work, we’d fly standby the next night (Sunday) and then if that doesn’t work we’re guaranteed for a flight on Monday (putting us in Nice on Tuesday, the day before we’re supposed to leave for Bordeaux).

3:00am Attempt to get a cab, in the rain. Delirious, with little to no excitement.

3:30am After what felt like forever on the phone w/ Delta throwing her Platinum Medallion status around, Katie comes through in a HUGE way by getting us seats on the Saturday flight. We jump up and down, excitement returns! We decide to screw waiting for the delta cab and hop into the cab line to take our own. See multiple people arriving to catch early morning flights.

4:00am Get a phone call from the friends I ran into on their way to Amsterdam…they’re there. Already. Awesome.

4:30am Arrive at hotel in Queens to find out that they only have a room w/ a King available. For the 3 of us. Snug as a bug in a rug!

5:00am Fall asleep spooning each other, praying for a better travel day on Saturday.

Shopping at Murder Kroger

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 10:42:31 -0400

wheninatl:

No lie, this just made me laugh out loud.

50 Shades of Awful

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 09:20:00 -0400

Agreed with the majority of this - though I still think it’s worth a read…

andeventhis:

rosa—sparks:

I have read, and now re-read, 50 Shades of Grey, 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed, the trilogy of garbage written by EL James.

As most everyone has noted and laughed about, the titillating topic of a young woman with her dominant boyfriend/partner has captured the attention of seemingly every middle-aged, white lady across every continent and beyond. At this point, women from other galaxies who have never had anything but hetero, missionary sex with no foreplay have read this book and gotten excited.

But it’s not exciting. The sex is so bad and horrible to read. It’s not sexy AT ALL. In fact, it’s horrible. Furthermore, it’s damaging, as it portrays those who practice BDSM and ascribe to the lifestyle as deranged, abusive, mentally ill and in need of intensive therapy and help. OKAAAAY.

Not only that, it’s written by someone who finds words hard to write. This is one of my favorite passages written, OF ALL TIME.

‘But my hips start to move involuntarily, gyrating to their own rhythm, caught up in his cool, vanilla spell.’

50 Shades of Suck posts quotes from the three books. Head over there and read. You will snort with laughter, but you will also probably die a little inside. Die at the idea that stupid, embarrassing Twilight fanfic can become a cash juggernaut and published material that is so bad, so poorly written and edited at a time when writing is so amazing and easily obtained and well-done, even by amateurs and plebs like us, that you wonder if the world is no longer spinning.

Lastly, it is supremely disturbing that women are tearing through these books, thrilled and seeking a man who is basically an abuser and woman-hater. Not only that, the heroine, if that is what she is, is such a basic bitch, you actually wonder how she exists in the world.

I found myself rooting for Christian Grey, not because I like tall, copper-haired billionaires who stalk women, but because I hoped he would help his love Ana Steele, find some sense. She is a woman who at 22, IN MODERN DAY SEATTLE, doesn’t know how to use a BlackBerry or laptop, has never drank coffee, had sex or apparently done ANYTHING in her life but read dead, British authors.

WAT.

The plot devices and twists are absurd. Christian Grey’s prior submissive is characterized as suicidal, homicidal, and depressed because she loved Christian and he didn’t love her back. OKAY.

Ana’s boss, who later turns into the most important antagonist/villain in the story, is a sexual predator who harasses all of his assistants and forces them into sexual relationships. OKAY.

Ana Steele is a virgin who, upon having sex with Christian Grey for the first time, has a ‘shattering’ vaginal orgasm and continues to have nothing but orgasms with the man, no matter what he does to her. OKAY.

Christian Grey’s prior dominant and first lover beat him and never touched him, which gave him strength to quit abusing alcohol and drugs and become the richest man in the world and do all the business things because all he needed was focus. OKAY THEN.

All of this is fucking stupid, sure, but the really, REALLY awful thing is that women are reading this and getting turned on. Are women these days so lacking in their hetero relationships that their husbands/partners/boyfriends/part-time boos are so bad at the sex that THIS is exciting for them? I guess the answer is yes and it REALLY bums me the fuck out.

I can get they secretly wish their first time was perfect and magical, instead of with Joe, the high school soccer team midfielder who poked it in for 30 seconds, came and left her wondering why anyone had sex, ever, sure, but at 40? They’re still hoping sex is as mind-blowing and sexy and whatever it is Ana and Christian are doing? You mean you haven’t told the menz to fuck you right? YET?

What in the ever-loving fresh hell? I guess I can buy that it’s all still really awful out there, but it honestly depresses me that THIS is what women are fantasizing and wishing for instead.

Never mind that entire time I read this mess, I, LITERALLY, kept thinking ‘LOLWHITEPEOPLE!’

I mean, the whiteness pervades this book so much, I was practically reading the book in a Reese Witherspoon voice, while drinking a skinny margarita.

This isn’t really a review of the trilogy. It isn’t even a rebuke, I guess. It’s more of a ‘how is the world still this fucking terrible?’ statement, I guess.

50 Shades of Bullshit, subtitled, Everyone is horrible and everything hurts. Also, white people. THE END.

“I mean, the whiteness pervades this book so much, I was practically reading the book in a Reese Witherspoon voice, while drinking a skinny margarita.”

It's like Lena Dunham just knows me.

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 10:31:46 -0400

excellenceasahabit:

The only thing this post is missing is some screenshots of Marni going through her ex boyfriend’s Facebook pictures and making side comments like “Dumb. Gay. Eww.” We’ve all been there. Right? Please say yes.

Ain’t this the truth. Caught up on Girls last night - I’m loving it!